Tough days as an Aspies mum

Now no one ever says being a parent is an easy job right? Correct. And it has it's days when it really does suck. But mostly your day or week improves some what and that funk goes, weather it is the relief of bed time (night or day), school, or the partner/husband coming home. Something in world magical happens and it some how gets better. Like a little mirical from god and that prayer (even thoose little silent ones) are answered.

But what if your bad day gets so bad you just physically and mentally can not take one more breathe. One more step or even a heart beat with out the thoughts of hurting your self or your child and desperation takes over?

Appropriately this morning I stumbled across a link on twitter about a mum who's job of raising her Autisic child became too much to bear that instead of hurting herself or her child. She drove him to an ER and dropped him off leaving him there. It was hours before anyone worked out that he was infact there alone. At the end of the story it went on to say that her husband (the boys father) and her had just split up, but the authorities instead of charging the parents with child abandoment and neglect are working with both of them to get the help the family needs to help them through this crisis time.

Why is this so appropriate to me right now. Yesterday after what was a disartorous morning at gymnastics we had several meltdowns on top of one another esculating to the point of dispair. I actually had to stop trying to fight my child into his child restraint and get out of the car close the door and supervise his meltdown from the outside. When I was finally able to get back in the car and in his car seat. I burst into tears. I then started the 5 minuet journey home. During this time he finished the banana he was eating. Which turned into another meltdown becuase I could not magically produce another one whilst driving.

After this point of being screamed at about one stupid banana I was melting down too. I felt that I just wanted to drive him somewhere and hand him over to some one to fix him. To make him better. To stop the tears and tantrums over nothing. I was hurting. My brain hurt, my heart was hurting. Mentally I was almost spent. I was crying I was scared, I was distrote. We then pulled into our driveway and the banana crap started again. I verbally snapped. I screamed. ENOUGH! It must have been so loud that my neighbour came out to her verhanda and asked if I was ok.

I then some how managed to get it together and get him inside, changed and put to bed. I did this with love and grace somehow, still really really hurting. I can't say I was mad, becuase there was no one I was mad at. He does not mean to hurt me this way. It is not his fault he has Aspergers. Not at all!

But as I mentioned earlier some how by the grace of god, I got this very emotionally spent little boy to sleep. And sleep he did. I wish I had napped too, but the rest of our afternoon was spent playing quietly with little noise and just happy quiet play at home. We did not leave the house for Swimming lessons. We rested our minds and bodies. We needed that.

Did it in the end help the day care mum today. NO WAY. He was as high as a kite for her all day! Just before I arrived he ran smack into the door way of the cubby house and now has a bruise on his cheek. To match the one on the fore head from him head butting me harder than hard this morning.

This is not going to be our week. I sense it now. High since Sunday afternoon. He has his first day of school tomorrow morning. Oh well I guess they get to see straight up why we are doing this! So when an ASD mum says it is a bad day. Imagion your worst day with a NT child and times it by 100 and you might be getting close. So really I am not surprised by these parents abandoning their child like this. Saddened a little but I have felt it too.