Moving forward...

Giving forgiveness and moving forward takes time, but also alot of soul searching. I could have easily just packed up and walked. (ok maybe not that easily!) But I did not. Instead we are talking and working through it. It has not helped my depression eposiodes at all. (Yes I do have a pink elephant.) To make it worse, my GP, who is a lovely man, has had something happen to his medicare renewal and currantly cannot practice until it is sorted. There is other Dr's there to see if need be, but do i really want to go through a truck load of stuff just to get to the point, and have my appointment over before I got there! I had weekly long appointments with dr until we got to the point where we could just do a short/normal visit. Whilst my notes are all there, what Dr is going to read EVERY THING before I get there to be almost on the same page.

So moving forward. John knows now he stuffed up. He has been trying to make things better. But he is a slow work in progress, all at which is at his doing. I am not going to give him specifics (despite what the physcologist says), I don't want or need false love and effection and John knows this. It will still probably be a long time before we have sex again. I realise this and John, I think, knows this. He has to show me he loves me enough again before that happens. It is tough there for both of us. But if our marriage is truely based on the love and friendship that I know it is, this should be no issue for him.

Now the fertility side, I am lost and confused but for now going to leave it be. My cycle sucks right now, but I am ment to be healing. I am not going to add more hormones to this allready fradgile system at the moment. We are also still trying to work out if we will do IVF/ICIS. Part of us are saying yes go for it. And finacially we are thinking one shot is all we could afford right now. So waiting a few more weeks to make peace either way with this discission is tough. REALLY TOUGH!

Some one has said/asked me, "would you still feel this guilt when you are holding the new baby in your arms? Will it matter how he/she was concieved?" I am not sure I can answer NO to both questions yet. But I think I am getting closer to a Yes or No answer. There is just one more person to have a counselling session with. When he gets back Isral John and I will visit with him.